PREP-DAY

June 17, 2001


Well, tomorrow starts my life as an incredibly good-looking person. This road, I know, will not be easy. It will be tough, hard, and difficult to complete. And so will my poop. But enough talk of poop, there’s plenty of that, I fear, lying ahead. (Master Cleanse, anyone?)
With the birth of this blog, You, Me, and Everyone Me Knows will know what it feels like, first hand, to live the Fad Diet Life. One a week. Until I’m gorgeous. No, really. I have perfect features. And nicely proportioned bones. I’m gonna be so hot, I might just be cast as a rape victim someday! (I hope). Mmm… I wish I had a Hot Tub Time Machine to see my future self. And fuck it. Then tell it is worthless. Then see it get even more hotter. And more rapeable.
So without further ado, here is my day by day, play by play, of me going from okay to very sexy.
(play by play…oh! Reminds me! U.S. is playing in World Cup tomorrow! Im’a go to a bar and get drunk at noon huzah! Wait. I’m starting the very strict-and very cool- Tracy Anderson diet. I keep wanting to say Tracy Ullman… who is that? WAIT. DON’T. ASK. GOOGLE. He’s being a little cunt recently. Ya know, one day, our children’s children will be asking, “Mommy… is Google a Man or a Woman?” And we’ll have to writhe in our seats, “well, sweety… there’s a lot of different thought about that. I mean he’s not a man with a beard…” ect. Where was I? Ah, yes. ONWARD!!!)
Readers… this is your only task. Make sure I hit upon the points (listed below) somewhere along the way of this blog journey. I need to hit these regularly, Readers. Readers?... Nah, that’s too Russian… Minions? Followers? North Koreans? Whoa. Whoa. Too Far. Don’t worry, I’m kind of a Buddhist, so that was a joke. A not-count-towards-Karma joke. List:

Things to Not Forget to Mention Along the Way:
How I’m more evolved
Gayness in general
All the women who’ve already done this (but don’t have street cred like me, so their blogs are basically worthless)
Typewriters
Puppets
Carrie Fish and/or Star Wars
Barak Obama and/or Health Care Reform
How depressed Lincoln was
The perfect outfit when “getting things done”
Albert Einstein and my myriad similarities ( We are like JFK and Lincoln…sad, sad Lincoln)
The burden of making sure your co-workers know you are very, very cool
Shakespeare

So now, as the great woman who played Toby McGuire’s grandmother but I’m pretty sure was cut out of the movie (eh, didn’t see it), said, “You can’t do everything, you’re not Superman.” Well suck on this, Grandma.